Divorce is never easy, and that is putting it mildly. There are a hundred and one (generally speaking) reasons people get divorced. It may be because of infidelity, conflict, financial problems, or simply because two people got married too young.
Sometimes, the reason for a divorce is much darker. A spouse may be addicted to alcohol or drugs, or they may be physically abusive to their partner.
In most cases, mediation can be used as a method for couples to negotiate the terms of their divorce. Mediation has proved to be helpful for those who have experienced infidelity or ongoing conflict.
Mediation is not an option for domestic violence cases, nor should it be suggested as an option. If someone wants to divorce an abusive spouse after experiencing domestic violence, it is because they want to escape.
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior within a relationship that can rarely be broken. Abusive spouses use violence to gain and maintain control over their intimate partners. This violence is not always only physical but can become emotional, sexual, and even economic.
A Crippling Power Imbalance
Domestic abuse creates a power imbalance that goes against everything mediation needs to achieve. The principles of mediation are open communication, equal power, and voluntary participation. An abusive spouse will never agree to these terms because it takes away their perceived power over their partner.
Abusers work systematically to erode their victim’s self-esteem. Abused partners are referred to as victims because of the shift of power in an abusive relationship. In addition to breaking down a victim’s self-esteem, abusers also isolate their victims from family and friends, who are support systems.
As part of this isolation, an abuser will also take over all finances. This makes it very difficult for victims to assert what they need. It also makes it impossible for them to participate in a mediation process.
Even worse, when abusers agree to mediation, they use it as a tactic to inflict more abuse. They will continue gaslighting their victims, make false accusations, and even threaten them with retaliation.
The threat of further violence and manipulation can force a victim to simply give in to an abuser’s outrageous demands.
Mediation Does Not Ensure a Victim’s Safety
Unfortunately, mediation also cannot ensure a victim’s safety. If an abused spouse is removed to a place of safety, mediation will force them to face their abuser again. For most victims, this is a terrifying prospect.
Sharing a small space with their abuser can trigger flashbacks, anxiety, and fear. There is also the risk that mediation may reveal the victim’s location to the abuser, putting them in renewed harm.
Forcing a victim to relive their abuse through mediation can retraumatize them. It will hinder their healing process and is, in fact, a violation of their right to safety.
The Nature of Abuse
Domestic violence is hardly ever an isolated incident or a series of isolated incidents. In the vast majority of cases, domestic violence follows a pattern of control and coercion.
Mediation focuses on reaching settlements, but this cannot happen between an abuser and their victim. Any time a victim is once again exposed to their abuser, there is the risk of further harm and financial vulnerability.
Therefore, a domestic violence victim should never be forced into mediation with an abusive spouse.
Specialized Support
Instead of being forced into mediation, victims of domestic violence require specialized support and protection. The legal system has several procedures in place to address challenges faced by domestic violence survivors.
It is important to note that mediation does not have legal safeguards that will protect victims of domestic violence.
Courts and legal professionals know how to recognize the signs and patterns of abuse. This allows them to assess the risk and implement protective measures. They can issue restraining orders, supervised visitation, and more.
The court can develop custody plans that prioritize their safety if children are involved.
Several other components of specialized support may help victims escape their situation. Mediation is not one of these components in the majority of cases.
For instance, victims may receive help from crisis shelters, counseling, and therapy. Several law firms can provide information and guidance on required protective orders.
Financial support can also help domestic violence survivors permanently break free from a cycle of abuse.
How Survivors Can Move On
Abuse does not have to affect survivors for the rest of their lives. If they escape and use specialized support systems, they can regain control of their lives. While it may be a long healing journey, the right support (including legal support) can make all the difference.
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